Small Steps

The healing continues. Small steps that show improvement. I now can sleep on my side in bed. I can take 3 to 5 steps on my own without any support from a cane or walker. My daily exercise continues, although I'm tired after each walk. There is no pain at the site of the fracture, although I have developed additional pain on my right side. I've decided not to be a hero and am taking pain pills during the day for this new pain. They help. I see my orthopedist in 10 days for x-rays and further evaluation of the healing, as well as figuring out this new pain.
I've read some statistics on hip fractures and only 1/3 to 1/2 of those who get them return to prefracture activity, while the rest will need things like canes or walkers the rest of their lives. That scares the shit out of me. I'm going to focus on the positive, and will do whatever physical therapy is necessary to come out of this whole again.
Throughout all this, my one rock has been Arlene. I don't know how I would have handled all this without her. The little things that she does to comfort me physically and emotionally. She is ALWAYS there for me. When I get so tired of the pain, she's there to help me. I cannot put into words the depth of the emotion and love I feel for her. I must have done something good in my life for God to have blessed me with her.
By the way, my CMML is still stable.

The healing continues - correctly I hope

Fathers day June 17th - My depression deepened that day. Both my kids and stepkids called me and I couldn't help crying each time. It may have been a reaction to getting off the morphine - I've been off for 6 days now with no further effects. Or it may have been me being in touch with my feelings at a deep level. Anyway, I accept it as being who I am.
I am now sleeping in bed - yea for me. I can only sleep in one position on my back, but the sleep is good and deep and I wake up refreshed. I'm also reading before I go to sleep, something I couldn't do a week ago. My butt indentation on the couch is going away.
I continue with my walking 10 to 15 minutes a day with my walker. It tires me, but I feel good about it. I can also walk with my cane without using my free hand to balance myself. Progress. There's improvement in fluidity in transitioning from sitting to standing. I also took a shower today by myself. Further progress.
My doctor has ok'd me using our eliptical cross trainer for further exercise as long as I don't overdo it. I plan to start today or tomorrow at it's lowest level for 5 minutes or so.
The last few days have been pretty good ones for me. I feel no depression. I have diminished pain, though I still use Percocet up to 3 times a day to help relieve it, which is fine with my doctor. I generally feel good about my progress and there are periods during the day that I just feel real good. During my walking, I try to pick up my speed when I can.
While everything seems to indicate that I'm healing correctly, I see my doctor in a couple of weeks, and will find out then.
My latest blood test continues to show my CMML is still stable. I'm glad I don't have to deal with that yet, but the type of treatment - treat with Dacogen - is set for when I have to deal with it.

The healing begins

My depression continues . I don't know why but I constantly break into tears, sometimes spontaneously, sometimes after I see Arlene. Maybe the best thing is to allow it to happen and not fight it. I know its partly caused by tapering back on the morphine I've been taking for the pain. I'm down to 1 tablet a day and after a few more days, I'll either stop or cut back to 1 tablet every other day. I still can't say enough about Arlene, how lucky I am to have her care for me.
I now have a plan to heal: it's called exercise. I did my first exercise today - 12+ minutes of walking with my walker. Felt tired but good after it was done. This will be my daily routine with the goal of increasing the time. Felt less depressed after the walk. We're talking about going out to dinner. Getting out of the house will help alot.
I need to get a good night's sleep, but still can't sleep in bed. The couch will have a permanent indentation of my butt when this is done.
I know i'm vulnerable and that I have leukemia which may eventually kill me, but I'm feisty enough to say screw you - you're going to have to come get me. In the meantime, fracture, heal properly, and let me continue my life.

On the mend - hopefully

Saw the orthopedist on Monday. Very professional, but lacking warmth. Maybe warmth is not what I need right now. He again quizzed me on how I got the break, which I still don't know. I saw the cat scan and the break. It appears to be healing normally and should heal in another 6 to 8 weeks. He wants me to do some things - one of which is exercise. That means walking, using my walker. I plan to do that for 5 to 10 minutes at a time, 3 or 4 times a day or more often. Finding a flat place to walk will be a challange. He also wants me to get off the morphine and use Percocet for any pain. We work out a taper program that should minimize withdrawal symptoms. It starts today.
Before I saw the orthopedist, I was very depressed with increased thoughts of suicide rather than put up with the pain. I'm really a coward and don't think I could off myself, but the thought gives me another mental option. Now, I have an objective to work towards and my attitude has changed for the better.
My lab values for the CMML remain steady, with my platelet count showing a slow increase. We'll deal with that once my fracture is "fixed"

The pain continues but now we know why

The pain continues. The MRI is inconclusive and I return to Kaiser for additional images using a dye for a contrast medium. My rheumatoloigist is on vacation so the images are sent to my primary care physician, who I've had as my doctor for 15 years. A good guy. After reviewing the images he orders a cat scan. With him, things move at Kaiser. He called me in the morning and a cat scan was set up that afternoon. As with the MRI, the cat Scan was painfull.
The next morning I get a call from my doctor. According to the cat scan, I have a fracture in my right hip that appears to be trying to heal itself. He refers me to an orthopedist, who I will see next Monday and orders a walker for me. Everyone wants to know if I fell, which I did not, and how I could have gotten the fracture. I haven't got a clue. The only thing I can think of is that the high doses of steroids masked something that happened as I was woirking with my physical therapist.
I see my oncologist also this week. All treatments for CMML are put on hold till the fracture issue is resolved. My blood values continue to remain stable and constant, but Dr K will do another bone marrow biopsy soon to see if the disease has progressed. The current plan is to treat me with Dacogen UNLESS my values are still stable and the bone marrow biopsy shows no progression of the disease. I contineue to add more of my herbs to my daily pill collection. While my platelet count is still low, it is steady and above any real`danger point.
Throughout this ordeal, Arlene has been my real strength. There have been several times I've thought of ending it all if the rest of my life would be nothing but pain. She has been there for me, comforting me when I needed it, encouraging me when I needed it, making me laugh when that would help. When going from the car to the doctors, she wants to do wheelies in the parking lot with me in my wheelchair. how many points will I get if I crash into this person with a walker.
My goal now is to deal with the fracture, get rid of the pain, get out of the wheelchair, and live the rest of my life as normally as possible. I will no longer take things for granted and accept the fact that I AM VULNERABLE, and it can happen to me.