More shit

The pain on my sides is really getting to me, so I see my prmary care doctor at Kaiser on Thursday. This is the guy that gets things moving, and he schedules a CT scan for me that afternoon. He calls me that night with the results: It looks like you have kidney stones and there's something on your bladder. He'll refer me to a urologist.

Next morning I get a call from a urologist to schedule an appt that day. I schedule it for late afternoon. He's concerned about the thing on my bladder - the kidney stones are too small to cause any pain and they'll probably be passed. He does an endoscopy and tells me there's a "thing" on my bladder about the size of a fingernail, he doesn't know what it is, and it needs to come out to see if it's malignant. After hasseling with the date, we schedule it for Sept 5th. It's a 1 day thing- in in the AM, surgery, than leave in the afternoon. I'm nervous about the surgery and the fact that i have thrombocytopenia and I could bleed to death, although they can boost my platelets before surgery. I want to be knocked out for this one.

I'm pissed and upset about this. Why is all this shit happening to me? Who did I piss off when I was young. I'm just starting to recover from the hip and this shit happens. Why, Why, Why??? I'm beginning to feel it's just not worth it and why go on? Is this going to be the rest of my life?
Who needs a life of pain and suffering? What's next after this?

I've got to get out of this poor me bullshit. I have things to look forward to. I talk to Arlene last night. She tells me that when I told her "look what you have to put up with", it really made her angry. We talk more, a no sympathy kind of talk. I feel better.

This morning, she tells me that last night towards the end of our talk, I sound as strong as I've every sounded. I hope she's right. I need to be strong now.