Yesterday, I took another FEW steps forward. I basically discarded my walker for the day. Spent the whole day walking on my own 2 feet, with a little help from my cane on occasion. It would be the perfect time to race me as my speed rivaled that of a turtle, but I would finish the race.
Arlene and I also went out to dinner at our favorite place in Santa Rosa. This was the 1st time since I fractured my hip. No cooking for you tonight, Arlene. I had a hamburger, made with range fed beef, no antibiotics, hormones, etc. I don't think I've ever enjoyed a burger more. Of course, I drove. Man, did that feel good.
Today, I'm paying for it. I'm sore, I hurt, my back hurts, but I'm continuing NOT to use the walker. Got my labs done, did some shopping, even did a few chores around the house. I've got to keep this up, even with the extra pain. I've put my upcoming surgery out of my mind for now and feel good about myself.
I heard the news that Bill Walsh, the legendary coach of the SF 49ers, a team I've followed since high school, died today and that saddened me. He had leukemia also, not the same kind as I do and was under treatment for 3 years.
So far, I've done a good job of getting rid of the poor me bullshit.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Saturday, July 28, 2007
More shit
The pain on my sides is really getting to me, so I see my prmary care doctor at Kaiser on Thursday. This is the guy that gets things moving, and he schedules a CT scan for me that afternoon. He calls me that night with the results: It looks like you have kidney stones and there's something on your bladder. He'll refer me to a urologist.
Next morning I get a call from a urologist to schedule an appt that day. I schedule it for late afternoon. He's concerned about the thing on my bladder - the kidney stones are too small to cause any pain and they'll probably be passed. He does an endoscopy and tells me there's a "thing" on my bladder about the size of a fingernail, he doesn't know what it is, and it needs to come out to see if it's malignant. After hasseling with the date, we schedule it for Sept 5th. It's a 1 day thing- in in the AM, surgery, than leave in the afternoon. I'm nervous about the surgery and the fact that i have thrombocytopenia and I could bleed to death, although they can boost my platelets before surgery. I want to be knocked out for this one.
I'm pissed and upset about this. Why is all this shit happening to me? Who did I piss off when I was young. I'm just starting to recover from the hip and this shit happens. Why, Why, Why??? I'm beginning to feel it's just not worth it and why go on? Is this going to be the rest of my life?
Who needs a life of pain and suffering? What's next after this?
I've got to get out of this poor me bullshit. I have things to look forward to. I talk to Arlene last night. She tells me that when I told her "look what you have to put up with", it really made her angry. We talk more, a no sympathy kind of talk. I feel better.
This morning, she tells me that last night towards the end of our talk, I sound as strong as I've every sounded. I hope she's right. I need to be strong now.
Next morning I get a call from a urologist to schedule an appt that day. I schedule it for late afternoon. He's concerned about the thing on my bladder - the kidney stones are too small to cause any pain and they'll probably be passed. He does an endoscopy and tells me there's a "thing" on my bladder about the size of a fingernail, he doesn't know what it is, and it needs to come out to see if it's malignant. After hasseling with the date, we schedule it for Sept 5th. It's a 1 day thing- in in the AM, surgery, than leave in the afternoon. I'm nervous about the surgery and the fact that i have thrombocytopenia and I could bleed to death, although they can boost my platelets before surgery. I want to be knocked out for this one.
I'm pissed and upset about this. Why is all this shit happening to me? Who did I piss off when I was young. I'm just starting to recover from the hip and this shit happens. Why, Why, Why??? I'm beginning to feel it's just not worth it and why go on? Is this going to be the rest of my life?
Who needs a life of pain and suffering? What's next after this?
I've got to get out of this poor me bullshit. I have things to look forward to. I talk to Arlene last night. She tells me that when I told her "look what you have to put up with", it really made her angry. We talk more, a no sympathy kind of talk. I feel better.
This morning, she tells me that last night towards the end of our talk, I sound as strong as I've every sounded. I hope she's right. I need to be strong now.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
The painful road to recovery
It's Monday, time for my weekly blood draw. Like last monday, I drive there by myself. I also have errands to do after - by myself.
It's also the first day of physical therapy. My physical therapist is Rachel, who is a MPT. I was concerned prior to the appt that I'd get someone who I wouldn't like, and I wanted a woman because I think I relate better to women. I like Rachel and I think we'll work well together. She tells me that she thinks my orthopedist doesn't like physical therapy and they don't get very many referrels from him. She gives me some exercises to start - small ones so as not to push me. I am encouraged, but I still have back pain and pain on my sides. There is nothing in the way I feel or the way I walk that makes me think that I won't recover fully or almost fully.
Sunday, I was in a bit of a depressive mood. Arlene was doing work outside - stuff I would normally do like cleaning and weeding. When she came in, I started crying. I was feeling sorry for myself and I told her to "look what you have to put up with - an old and helpless man." I don't remember her response except that it was a loving response. Thank you, Arlene. I needed that.
Friday I had ultrasound done on my liver and spleen to see if they were enlarged and causing me the pain on my sides. Arlene kept calling them sonograms. No Arlene, they are not sonograms and I am not pregnant. They all came back negative - spleen slightly enlarged but the same size as last September. Liver, normal. No stones anywhere - thank goodness. I won't have to worry about pissing rocks. Also no cause of my pain on my sides.
Finding the cause of my pain will be the next big push. In the meantime, Percocet and Norco will keep the pain under some control
It's also the first day of physical therapy. My physical therapist is Rachel, who is a MPT. I was concerned prior to the appt that I'd get someone who I wouldn't like, and I wanted a woman because I think I relate better to women. I like Rachel and I think we'll work well together. She tells me that she thinks my orthopedist doesn't like physical therapy and they don't get very many referrels from him. She gives me some exercises to start - small ones so as not to push me. I am encouraged, but I still have back pain and pain on my sides. There is nothing in the way I feel or the way I walk that makes me think that I won't recover fully or almost fully.
Sunday, I was in a bit of a depressive mood. Arlene was doing work outside - stuff I would normally do like cleaning and weeding. When she came in, I started crying. I was feeling sorry for myself and I told her to "look what you have to put up with - an old and helpless man." I don't remember her response except that it was a loving response. Thank you, Arlene. I needed that.
Friday I had ultrasound done on my liver and spleen to see if they were enlarged and causing me the pain on my sides. Arlene kept calling them sonograms. No Arlene, they are not sonograms and I am not pregnant. They all came back negative - spleen slightly enlarged but the same size as last September. Liver, normal. No stones anywhere - thank goodness. I won't have to worry about pissing rocks. Also no cause of my pain on my sides.
Finding the cause of my pain will be the next big push. In the meantime, Percocet and Norco will keep the pain under some control
Monday, July 16, 2007
Another First
Yea for me. Today I had labs done at Kaiser, like I do every Monday. I drove there by myself - No Arlene in the car. I had no problems. I also ran errands, like getting the car washed, getting a new toilet seat (I broke the old one-don't ask how), picking up a few items at Trader Joe's. I was gone for 2 1/2 hours. Arlene, for the 1st time in over 3 months, had the house all to herself for that time. WITHOUT ME.
When I got back, I was tired. Very tired. Arlene made me lunch. Good lunch - a reward for my morning efforts. I ate the lunch and turned on the TV, and promptly fell asleep.
I decided that I wanted physical therapy, even though my orthopedist thinks its a waste of time. I want it if for no other reason than I want someone to monitor me over the next 3 months since I don't see him for almost 3 months and I want to make sure what I'm doing is correct. I requested the therapist that worked with me over 5 years ago when I broke my arm near the shoulder. I credit her with me regaining full use of that arm again. If he doesn't give me a referral, I will go to war over it.
Lab results came in while writing this blog. Values are still stable although platelets are slightly down. I'll screw around with the herbals some more to help get them up.
UPDATE- I checked my e-mail after I published this blog, and there was a note from my orthopedist approving the referrel to physical therapy. Man- he got back to me fast. I sent him the e-mail 40 minutes ago and didn't expect a response for at least a day. I guess I won't have to go to war.
When I got back, I was tired. Very tired. Arlene made me lunch. Good lunch - a reward for my morning efforts. I ate the lunch and turned on the TV, and promptly fell asleep.
I decided that I wanted physical therapy, even though my orthopedist thinks its a waste of time. I want it if for no other reason than I want someone to monitor me over the next 3 months since I don't see him for almost 3 months and I want to make sure what I'm doing is correct. I requested the therapist that worked with me over 5 years ago when I broke my arm near the shoulder. I credit her with me regaining full use of that arm again. If he doesn't give me a referral, I will go to war over it.
Lab results came in while writing this blog. Values are still stable although platelets are slightly down. I'll screw around with the herbals some more to help get them up.
UPDATE- I checked my e-mail after I published this blog, and there was a note from my orthopedist approving the referrel to physical therapy. Man- he got back to me fast. I sent him the e-mail 40 minutes ago and didn't expect a response for at least a day. I guess I won't have to go to war.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Friday the 13th
I'm not superstitious, but yesterday was Friday the 13th. We have a black cat and it crossed in front of me several times during the day, and I survived. But yesterday was a good day for me. I generally felt good, I took my usual walk, and for the 1st time, I went out to the back of our back yard (we live on a hilly lot, and the back yard is up a little hill) to lay on a chaise lounge to read. Arlene was on a hammock we have back there and she was up there too, also reading. The critters finally drove us back in the house, but it was a first. Going back down the hill made me a little nervous, but I made it with no problems.
I just came back from my walk today and again there's a first. I used my walker for balance and did not put weight on it when I walked. (ok, maybe just a little bit, but not anyware near what I had been doing). I also walked at my normal speed for about 20 or 30 feet just holding on to Arlene's handand no walker. That was ok, but it tired me out. I'll be doing more of that. I also concentrated on trying to walk straight, and not slightly hunched over as I had been doing with the walker. That gived me a sore back, but it's something I need to continue to do.
I am still afraid that I won't be "normal" when I'm fully healed, but I'll continue to work at it.
I just came back from my walk today and again there's a first. I used my walker for balance and did not put weight on it when I walked. (ok, maybe just a little bit, but not anyware near what I had been doing). I also walked at my normal speed for about 20 or 30 feet just holding on to Arlene's handand no walker. That was ok, but it tired me out. I'll be doing more of that. I also concentrated on trying to walk straight, and not slightly hunched over as I had been doing with the walker. That gived me a sore back, but it's something I need to continue to do.
I am still afraid that I won't be "normal" when I'm fully healed, but I'll continue to work at it.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Doctors Visits
Thursday, I saw my oncologist at Kaiser and yesterday I saw my orthpedist at Kaiser. The news was encouraging on both ends.
My oncologist basically stated that I was still stable and he did not want to start treatment with Dacogen. I agreed with that. My platelet level was down again to 44 - low but not dangerously low. I'm going to cut out one of my herbals to see if that does anything. I discussed the pain in my sides that I have been having and he's going to ultrasound my spleen & liver to see if they are enlarged. He thinks the spleen may be, but doesn't know about the liver.
The orthopedist told me that I was really lucky. My break in the bone was clear through, not a partial fracture, but the bone stayed in place, and eventually started healing on its own. He stated that many people after these fractures, even with surgury to pin both ends together, still don't heal properly. The healing is continuing as it should, and he wants me to increase my walking - both in speed and time to build up endurance. I do tire after I walk and this morning I walked faster and a slightly longer distance, and got tired. He would not predict whether I would return to pre-break normalcy, but my feeling is that I will or at least be close to normal. I showed him how I walk without any support and he noticed a limp. "Get rid of the limp" he told me. You do this by putting more pressure on the limping side. Physical therapy is not necessary and he'll see me in 3 months. Oh, bye the way, I drove to and from the appointment.
My ability to drive will give some of the freedom that Arlene gave up to take care of me back to her. That and the ability to regain some of the freedom I lost makes me feel real good. All of this and the lack of any real severe pain makes me feel less vulnerable to the CMML, although I know that will change. I'm going to enjoy this feeling while I can.
My oncologist basically stated that I was still stable and he did not want to start treatment with Dacogen. I agreed with that. My platelet level was down again to 44 - low but not dangerously low. I'm going to cut out one of my herbals to see if that does anything. I discussed the pain in my sides that I have been having and he's going to ultrasound my spleen & liver to see if they are enlarged. He thinks the spleen may be, but doesn't know about the liver.
The orthopedist told me that I was really lucky. My break in the bone was clear through, not a partial fracture, but the bone stayed in place, and eventually started healing on its own. He stated that many people after these fractures, even with surgury to pin both ends together, still don't heal properly. The healing is continuing as it should, and he wants me to increase my walking - both in speed and time to build up endurance. I do tire after I walk and this morning I walked faster and a slightly longer distance, and got tired. He would not predict whether I would return to pre-break normalcy, but my feeling is that I will or at least be close to normal. I showed him how I walk without any support and he noticed a limp. "Get rid of the limp" he told me. You do this by putting more pressure on the limping side. Physical therapy is not necessary and he'll see me in 3 months. Oh, bye the way, I drove to and from the appointment.
My ability to drive will give some of the freedom that Arlene gave up to take care of me back to her. That and the ability to regain some of the freedom I lost makes me feel real good. All of this and the lack of any real severe pain makes me feel less vulnerable to the CMML, although I know that will change. I'm going to enjoy this feeling while I can.
Friday, July 6, 2007
The 1st drive.
This morning I went for my usual 15 minute exercise walk with Arlene. For me to walk, we drive to a flat area (where I live, it's hilly) about a mile away. While walking, I mention to Arlene that next Monday, I hope the orthopedist tells me it's ok to drive. When we get back to the car, Arlene asks me if I want to drive home, if I feel up to it. I don't hesitate to say YES. I get in the car and I'm nervous, but I start the car and drive home with no problems. I ask Arlene how I did. Fine, she said. I felt fine doing it with no problems. I AM SO STOKED. Monday, I'm going to drive to the doctors office with Arlene in the passenger seat monitoring me. Now, if he only gives me more good news.
The feeling that soon I may no longer feel trapped in my house is great. My mood is great, my attitude is great. There are no words to describe it. A burden has been lifted and I love everybody.
The feeling that soon I may no longer feel trapped in my house is great. My mood is great, my attitude is great. There are no words to describe it. A burden has been lifted and I love everybody.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
More steps
Yesterday, July 4th, I took a big step. Arlene and I went to the movies. We saw Sicko. This is the first time I've been out of the house for a purely social or fun thing. I took my walker and we managed to get an isle seat. The movie was over 2 hours long and after about 1 1/2 hours, the seat was getting uncomfortable and I was squirming for the last 1/2 hour. Moral: See shorter movies for now.
We had also planned to go to dinner after the movie at one of our most favorite restaurants, which was conveniently located next to the theater, but it was closed for the 4th, so we'll save that for another time.
I continue to walk with my walker, and today we're returning the wheelchair. I'm generally tired after each walk and feel sore. Sometimes I feel like I've overdone the walking, but the next day I generally feel better. I continue to take steps with no support and I can walk across the room. That's a confidence builder. If anyone wants to race me, now's a good time. I see the orthopedist next Monday and hope that the fracture is healing correctly and that he starts me on physical therapy soon.
My CMML remains stable, but the platelet count is down slightly. I see my oncologist later this morning and will see what he has to say about it, if anything. I've made a slight adjustment in the natural medicines I'm taking, mainly to lower the number of pills I take each day. I'm so so tired of taking so may pills each day, but I'm also convinced they've helped me keep stable. We will see. I know that at some point, the CMML will no longer be stable and I'll have to be treated, but I hope that day is well in the future
We had also planned to go to dinner after the movie at one of our most favorite restaurants, which was conveniently located next to the theater, but it was closed for the 4th, so we'll save that for another time.
I continue to walk with my walker, and today we're returning the wheelchair. I'm generally tired after each walk and feel sore. Sometimes I feel like I've overdone the walking, but the next day I generally feel better. I continue to take steps with no support and I can walk across the room. That's a confidence builder. If anyone wants to race me, now's a good time. I see the orthopedist next Monday and hope that the fracture is healing correctly and that he starts me on physical therapy soon.
My CMML remains stable, but the platelet count is down slightly. I see my oncologist later this morning and will see what he has to say about it, if anything. I've made a slight adjustment in the natural medicines I'm taking, mainly to lower the number of pills I take each day. I'm so so tired of taking so may pills each day, but I'm also convinced they've helped me keep stable. We will see. I know that at some point, the CMML will no longer be stable and I'll have to be treated, but I hope that day is well in the future
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